Truly Never Yours
by Akinriah Tram
Summary: Hikaru doesn't know what the consequences are, but if it's to bring Sai back, then he is willing to pay any price.


Disclaimer: The author claims no rights to any recognizable characters in the manga Hikaru no Go and xxxHolic.

-;-

**Truly Never Yours**

-;-

_May 5th 2002_

There was a saying that went along the lines of "Real men don't cry," but as Yashiro watched Shindou Hikaru, his shoulders shaking silently and tears falling freely from his ephemeral emerald eyes, he realized that it wasn't true. Watching Shindou Hikaru crying openly in front of a crowd of strangers made him uncomfortable. Shindou was too proud and arrogant of a player to cry over a game that was worthy of a defeat.

Yashiro had played Hikaru enough times over the past week and to know. However, it still puzzled him – Shindou's obsession with Shuusaku. Kurata-san had proclaimed Shindou as a Shuusaku calligraphy geek, and Touya looked as if he knew something about it. It seemed to Yashiro that he was the only one who didn't know anything, except for the obvious fact that Shindou was entrenched in the path of Shuusaku. With that, Yashiro wondered what exactly does Shuusaku mean to Shindou. He also wondered if the fan, which didn't really characteristically fit with Shindou's image or sense of maturity, was linked to the ordeal.

"Let's go Shindou," Touya's clipped voice intercepted the dismal atmosphere. Rather than sympathy, his face was marred with professional seriousness. "This isn't the end. There is no end."

Perhaps it was an understanding between rivals but Shindou loosened his fist and stood up. It didn't escape Yashiro's attention that even in frustration and disappointment, Shindou still clutched the fan in such a tender way, like a child holding his beloved toy.

It all made Shindou much more of a mystery.

-;-

There was no celebration for a team that was defeated. Twice. So, after the long and tedious congratulatory speech, Hikaru excused himself from dinner with his teammates and headed to his grandpa's house in a haze.

When he showed up at the doorstep of his grandfather's semi-traditional house, Heihachi opened the door without much alarm.

"You did well, Hikaru." Heihachi patted his grandson's broad shoulders; his face was marred with concern when Hikaru only nodded absentmindedly and made his way up to the attic like any other visit.

Heihachi had predicted that Hikaru would show up, just like he did every now and then. Although there wasn't a pattern in Hikaru's visits, Heihachi hadn't missed the fact that every time Hikaru came over, he would climb up to the attic where the supposed haunted go board was kept. He never understood why Hikaru refused to take the ancient board; it was clearly precious to him. Heihachi would bet his every last cent that if his house was to catch on fire, the first thing Hikaru would save was the go board.

Heihachi had noticed for some time now that Mitsuko was right in being worried with her son's social communications. Being the mature person he is, Heihachi assured her that it was normal, but seeing his grandson in such state, he was worried.

Heihachi wasn't oblivious to the long period of time that Hikaru spent in the attic, nor was he oblivious to the fact that his grandson talked to the go board. Sometimes, he felt as if Hikaru was hiding a secret.

A secret that was too much of a burden for him to carry alone.

-;-

At times like these, Hikaru hated himself for playing go. It was a game he both loved and hated. He loved the game, but in consequence, it had taken Sai away from him. He often lay in bed under the covers in the late night, contemplating and reflecting, wondering if his decision to play go was correct. If only he hadn't been selfish and hogged the game for himself, then Sai wouldn't have disappeared. If he had been like Toujirou, then Sai's genius could've been displayed to the world. When Hikaru thought about these things, his heartstrings tugged at his chest and he wondered if he should even continue down the path of go. Conversely, he knew he could never give up go. Like Sai, it was the reason for his meager existence in the world.

"I'm sorry, Sai…" Hikaru mumbled as he touched the go board, "I wasn't strong enough to defend your honour. I've failed."

On his way to grandpa's house, hundreds of different formations ran through his head as he thought of all the possibilities that could've changed that one moku loss. Deep down, he knew Sai would've been proud, but he regretted it too much to be proud of himself.

"I should've won, Sai. If only I could've found that way to break Yeong-ha's formation… You would've probably seen it easily. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough." It hurt like slivers of ice piercing his body. What made it so painful was the date. Bitterly, Hikaru wondered if the other gods were mocking him for his egocentricity; especially when he had forced Touya from his rightful seat and stolen the glory he had no interest in.

"You know Sai, I was all talk." Bleach blond bangs fell over his eyes and tears were falling down his face once again. "I even forcefully took Touya's seat. That guy must really hate me now… But I wanted them to know that as long as I'm here, they can't look down on you. Your go lives in me, and that's why I can't let it slide. However I'm still weak.

"I'm sorry Sai. I was so focused on my own go because I wanted Touya to recognize me as his rival. If I had paid more attention to you, you wouldn't have left, right? If you hadn't left, then you would've been able to play all those games against Touya-sensei, Ogata-sensei, and maybe even Kurawabara-sensei…

"Truthfully, I just wanted to keep your existence a secret because you were special and I didn't want anyone to know about you. I just wanted to keep you to myself. I'm sorry, Sai. I'm sorry for hiding your existence."

He blinked back some of the tears, and while in desolation, he noticed a change in the go board. There was no longer gridlines on the wood. Instead, it had been replaced with intricate filigree designs in the shape of a circle.

It wasn't there before. He was certain of it.

"Sai…?" Hikaru's fingers reached to touch the board.

The board glowed as a bright purple, comparable to lightning blue, engulfed him. A feeling of déjà vu rose within as he found himself falling into abyss.

-;-

Emerald eyes snapped open.

There was a change. Even in a haze, Hikaru noticed the change in the temperature and the weather. He had been in many dreams before to know that what he was experiencing at the moment was reality. Truthfully, he should've been alarmed or terrified, but he had lived three quarters of his childhood life with Sai so supernatural occurrences didn't shock him.

The sky was ashen grey with dark clouds highlighting in the background. Compared to Tokyo's humid spring weather, the air was cold and golden autumn leaves decorated the ground. Hikaru stood up and observed his surrounding in confusion. He was no longer in Tokyo. In fact, he had no idea where he was. Recounting his past memories, he remembered a flash of bright purple light engulfing him.

His eyes widened.

"Sai!"

His heart thumped loudly against his chest. Could this be the place where Sai was hiding?

"Sai!"

In front of him was a brown semi-traditional house with crescent ornaments that was attached to the arch of the doorway of the entrance. The entrance was peculiar; it jutted out from the main building with doors that imitated Victorian doors in a less convoluted and elaborate manner.

Hikaru smiled softly to himself, although the house didn't match Sai's style, it certainly reflected some of the Heian period's structure with small intricate designs that ordinary people would've missed with only a fleeting pass. Hikaru had done research on the Heian period after Sai disappeared, and he saw the resemblance in the multitude of intricate carvings on the tile roof and ledges of the windows.

His heart thumped loudly and a smile gently carved its way on both his face and in his soul. His sixth sense told him that this occurrence would be something good. He was going to finally be able to see—

The doors swung open and a tall boy with pale porcelain and jet black hair sauntered out, growling something unintelligent under his breath. "Who does she think I am? I don't even see anyone out—"

The boy, whom Hikaru assumed to be in high school, since he was wearing a strange outfit that reminded him of Tokyo's school uniforms, stopped short when his eyes landed upon him.

"You're the one Yuko-san was waiting for."

The smile that was etched upon Hikaru's face drooped down like a wilting flower.

"How about Sai? Is Sai here?"

The boy, who towered over Hikaru like a tree, regarded him with a strange expression on his face.

"Watanuki! Where's the guest!" A high-pitched voice echoed through the house's perimeter and Hikaru's heart shrunk. He was quite sure that the voice didn't belong to Sai.

"Coming!" The said Watanuki retorted brusquely with a scowl upon his face before he turned to Hikaru and steered him into the house.

"You're from another dimension, aren't you?" Watanuki asked simply as he guided him through the maze of the house.

"What…?"

"The transportation circle." Watanuki answered mellifluously. "You're here because you have a wish for Yuko, right?"

He had no idea what the boy was talking about, but even so, the truth which he had hidden for many years came spiraling out of his mouth. "I want to see Sai again."

Watanuki sighed indiscreetly as his large strides shortened. He casted Hikaru another strange look before halting to a stop and sliding a wooden door open.

"Shindou Hikaru, I've been waiting for you." The familiar silky voice from before, which now sounded deeper and mysterious, filled the room.

A pale woman with thick long ebony hair (much longer than Sai's) and a sharp pair of ruby eyes sat languidly on a Victorian arm couch enjoying a pastry in her hand. There was something about her aura which alerted Hikaru's caution radar. It wasn't red sirens of danger, just that he shouldn't underestimate her.

"Who are you?" Hikaru asked, eyes narrowing at her incongruity. The woman was wearing a gaudy rob, ornate with butterfly designs and was much too revealing for Hikaru. The robe should've somewhat eased him for it resembled a fraction of Heian era's robes, but it didn't comfort him at all.

She chewed her pastry slowly before emitting another secretive smile at him, looking quite amused at his wariness towards her. "I am Yuuko Ichihara, the Dimension Witch, but others have called me The Far Eastern Witch or the Space-Time Witch. It seems like you've stumbled upon my shop—"

There was a snort from Watanuki as he replaced the tray of pastries with a new one. The self-proclaimed Space-Time Witch ignored his discourteousness as she took another pastry and popped it into his mouth. "But in reality, you were meant to be brought here. You have a wish, don't you?"

Hikaru cast an expression of uncertainty that clearly conveyed his doubts in her. "Can you really grant it?" He didn't know exactly why he asked such a question. He was quite certain that his simple desire could not be granted.

"Of course! As long as my master does, any wish can be fulfilled!" Two chirpy voices interrupted the room. Hikaru snapped his head towards the sources to find identical twins, except one had pink hair while the other had blue. What alarmed him was the fact he couldn't feel any aura from them. Was his sixth sense fading?

Yuuko regarded him with an aura of supremacy. "In compensation for your wish, I take a thing of equal value. For whatever you desire, there must be an equal amount of payment in return. Nothing must be more; nothing must be less. But depending on what you want, it is possible that I can take your soul."

"So if you bring Sai back, I will have to give you my soul?"

Yuuko chuckled. "That's the idea. But of course I won't do that, for taking a soul is equal to the killing of another. The weight of taking a soul is heavy. You desire to bring Sai back, right?"

"I do…" Hikaru answered softly as he stared at his hands. "There were so many things that I did to wrong him. I took advantage of him. I want time to return to the time when we first met. That way, I can change everything."

"Are you aware of the fact that you might just repeat history?" Watanuki asked unexpectedly from the doorway as he shook his head. "Like Yuko said, everything comes with the price. You and Sai deserve much more than that."

Hikaru looked up in surprise. "Of course, Sai deserves so much more…" He trailed off as his heart came to a realization. "I want to give Sai a body. I want Sai to come back in flesh, so he can achieve the Divine Move. Please Ichihara-san, grant me this wish."

He bowed down low in request. There was a long period of silence before he heard a sigh of resignation. "Your request shall be granted, but I want you to know that the price is quite high. In order for this request to be achieved, both you and Sai have to give up something."

"What… is it?"

"Bringing Sai back to the living world is a heavy price to pay. You simply cannot just bring a person back to the realm of the living, but Sai is a special circumstance. When I bring him back, he cannot have memories of his past life; this includes his memories of go… and you. And because of such thing, I can't let you have your memories of Sai either. Whatever happened in those past three years, you won't be able to remember. Your existence in the go world will vanish. Ultimately, both of you will not remember each other. Do you accept these conditions?"

"I won't remember Sai…?" He asked rhetorically as he felt a sharp pang in his chest.

Was the price worth it? Hikaru questioned himself as he stared down at his right hand. If Sai was given a body, he wouldn't be able to remember go or him. Was the price worth it? More importantly, he, himself, would have to give up his love for go and those precious memories containing Sai. Was it worth it?

_It's worth it. _A voice at the back of his head whispered resolutely. _You will be giving Sai what he wanted most. With a body, people will recognize Sai. People will come to know the great Fujiwara no Sai and he will attain the Divine Move. _

'_But he won't remember go.' _Hikaru argued childishly in his head.

_Fool! Sai breathes go. Even if he forgets, his heart will remember, and therefore it is inevitable for him to play go._ The voice scorned.

'_But… he won't remember me…'_

_Sai doesn't belong to you. Besides, even if you don't remember each other, you're still granting Sai's wish. It's better than just having memories and not accomplishing anything. _His conscience continued to scorn him. _Besides, it's not like you won't see him again._

"I—" Hikaru paused and inhaled deeply. He could feel the drumming of his heart. He would not regret this. "I accept the conditions."

"So when you wake up, you will not remember the years after 1998. When a memory flashes back, you will forget it immediately. The events that occurred will be altered. Right now, you are a pro right? In order to keep the balance of the world, someone else will take your position. That is how the world works."

Hikaru nodded.

"Good. With all the best to you," Yuuko nodded her head in acknowledgement and once again, a blanket of blinding purple light surrounded him.

Somewhere in that haze, Hikaru wondered if he was making the right the decision, or was it just another one of his selfish requests?

-;-

_January 2004_

There were many things about Shindou Hikaru that puzzled the people around him. But then again, even Hikaru was puzzled about the things that concerned himself. For instance, when he was a mischievous boy in sixth grade, he had fallen in a coma upon contact with a go board and had woken up three years later. Although he had never told anyone, he had inexplicably acquired knowledge for the game. Although that allowed him to appreciate a bit of the old man's game, he refused to play the game.

"Hikaru, can you pass me your social homework? There are a few questions I'm uncertain about."

"What was that, Akari? Didn't you say it's wrong to copy off other people's homework?" Hikaru teased his childhood friend as he dangled his own paper in front of her. "I guess you just have to study more now, don't you?"

Akari gaped disbelievingly at him. "I can't believe you just said that, Shindou Hikaru. Who has been copying off whom for the past few months? And you've been sleeping in social class for the past year, yet you still pass social like a breeze." She practically snarled at him, in which he returned with an airy laugh.

"Of course! Geniuses don't need to work hard." Hikaru waved his hand offhandedly at her with a shrug, clearly in exasperation of his childhood friend.

"I don't understand you, Hikaru. The Hein period is supposed to be hardest unit although we did touch upon it in elementary. You used to suck at math too."

"What do you know? My intelligence is finally beginning to show." Hikaru grinned conceitedly as he passed the piece of paper to her.

"What intelligence?" Hiro, who was one of their classmates and one of Hikaru's friends, interrupted as he strolled through the classroom door. "Besides pure luck, he has nothing."

"Hey!" Hikaru glared. "Luck is a skill too!"

"Just admit it Shindou," Hiro grinned, "all those soccer goals from last season were just pure luck."

"Oh! I'm going make you eat those words! Just wait until soccer season comes up. The person to take the MVP award will be me!"

"Keep dreaming Shindou!"

"Oi you two, up for an arcade game after school?" One of the boys asked, shouting across the room.

"Only if the loser treats the others to ramen!" Hikaru hollered back, "And watch out, Hiro, because my skill in pure luck is going to burn a hole in your wallet!"

In the background, Akari sighed.

-;-

"Tsk! I'm late! They're going to kill me!"

He was now zipping through the streets at a fast pace for his lack of punctuality. He was seriously late for their arcade meeting, but it wasn't entirely his fault. Nope. It had been an emergency call from his mother.

Although the sky was a vibrant blue, it could not hide the turning of the maple leaves into golden auburn and the minty cool air. Hikaru turned the corner only to come colliding with another body. At the sudden collision along with his fast sprint, he found himself spiraling backwards when a hand reached out and grabbed him.

"Easy there." A soft, gentle voice said.

"Thank you."

Hikaru looked up only to find himself falling into mesmerizing pools of lavender. For a boy like Hikaru, who was quite certain that he was straight, he found the man to be inexplicably beautiful. The man was probably in his young twenties, with long black hair highlighted in mauve, tied back in a loose ponytail. If it had been anyone else sporting such a look, Hikaru would've labeled him as transsexual, but it looked like this man was molded just for the look.

They continued to stare at each other as a strange feeling of emptiness and nostalgia washed over Hikaru. There was something about this man that he couldn't quite place. For some reason, he felt like he wanted to cry. Out of joy or desolation, he wasn't quite sure.

The strings of his heart pulled and Hikaru knew that he was forgetting something important. He could tell he was forgetting something imperative to his life. What he had forgotten, he wasn't sure, but his instincts were usually right.

His cell rang, causing them to break eye contact.

"I'm coming! I'm just at the corner!" He answered promptly as he snapped his phone open. "WcDonalds? Yeah, just around the corner. I'm near the go building institute… I had to run an errand near there."

Snapping his cell shut, he smiled at the man, ignoring the nagging feeling that was tightening his chest.

The man smiled back and the smile froze on Hikaru. A flash and then it disappeared.

"Oh, Fujiwara-san. You're early for your shodan game." A gruff voice called out from a distance.

Hikaru had seen Fujiwara Sai's picture on the newspaper as one of the new go pros on the newspaper in passing while he was researching current events for Social Studies. Although Hikaru knew that first names were used based on familiarity, his lips moved on its own before he could stop himself, "Congratulations on passing the pro-exam, Sai."

Surprisingly, it didn't sound odd at all.

"Thank you." Sai's velvet rang through the air. A light breeze swayed the trees nearby as Sai casted him an ethereal looking smile.

Hikaru found himself smiling back before he turned to walk away, ignoring that nagging feeling in his chest.

* * *

A/N: This was actually really for Blind Go Round 13, but I never managed to submit it on time. The idea was actually taken from my unpublished original Hikaru no Go fanfic. I guess you can call this a sneak preview if I decide to write it. Tell me what you think by reviewing! Also, give a big thanks to _AnimeSiren_ who tweaked this story to make it presentable.

Until next time!


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